


Mary Sue and The Patrician

by Zoya1416



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Erica Jong, F/M, Fantasy Sex, Sexy Vetinari, very sexy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-25
Updated: 2014-10-25
Packaged: 2018-02-22 12:30:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2507882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya1416/pseuds/Zoya1416
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I made wild, passionate love to Havelock Vetinari."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mary Sue and The Patrician

**Author's Note:**

> A Mary Sue character stands in for the author herself, and is often highly idealized.
> 
> I apologize for using an f-word, but I'm quoting from the original source.

Somewhere in the multiverse is a Havelock Vetinari fan club. They're not interested in his politics, his rule of Ankh Morpork, his allies and enemies. No, they are interested in one thing only: romancing the Patrician. The group has competitions every month for best fiction about him. It's not fan fiction, it's real person fiction, for Vetinari exists in this universe, too. This month's winner is Mary Sue Ecks. (It was X but she changed it.) She ascended the stage, adjusted the microphone, and smiled smugly at the other fans. Clearing her throat she read:

“I made wild, passionate love to Havelock Vetinari. 

“I hadn't planned it, but somehow he was there, between one second of my thoughts and the next. Thought was probably too profound a word for it—it was between one second's striving and the next. The bit-by-bit realities of the situation never intruded—there was no awkward conversation, working up to this moment time by time, taking off our shoes together, kissing—and slowly working our way down to the bed so he could slip my bra and panties off.

“It was just that suddenly he was over me, naked, thin, strong pale thighs between my own, spreading them wide open.” (audience noise—gasps and gurgles.)

“His elbows braced to take his weight, dark black hair swinging down from the proud forehead. And—no, the beard wasn't there at first, and then it was. The beard thin around his jaw, then curving around his mouth and chin. I like beards, so this made me melt even more. Very sexy. I'd never imagined that his mouth, his lips, would be warm. What is is they say—cold cynical expression, warm heart? Something like that. 

“The eyes, what about those chill, arctic blue eyes? They were closed at first as he began to move, closed for a long bit until I arched up and dared to tongue his mouth. Then they opened in an unimaginable heat, blue and intense. 

“His lids were heavy, half-closed with pleasure. Pleasure! He was enjoying this, too, at least if his soft growls were any evidence. There were no moans. The Patrician does not moan. He lets action speak for itself.

“Now there was more action. The Patrician, Lord Vetinari—Havelock!—was nibbling on my left breast. I adore having my breasts kissed and stroked, and so I brushed them against his mouth, begging for more licking, tickling, biting. I can almost come just from my breasts being played with, so I put my hand around his neck and pulled him down to settle his wicked mouth over my other nipple. (audience appears to be moving in their seats).

“I pulled him tighter against me and scratched my fingers down his back. He had no reaction at first, and so I scratched a bit harder and felt him arch into my hand. Then I locked my legs behind his knees, and we began to rock together."

“I had never imagined how hard and firm he would be. The Patrician's cock—the Patrician's actual cock!—is here. Oh my goodness! Right here, slipping in sneakily. His cock—it's not large or small. It's average." (nervous laughter)

“But his intense nature changes things, so—can I say that Vetinari pounded me into the mattress?” (someone says, 'Oh hell yes!')

“He pounded me hard. And I loved it! His black hair sweaty and hanging down, my rich brown hair spread across the pillows like a wave. And I didn't even need to be rubbed between my legs, or, rather, I showed him exactly where to rub. Most men are awkward and clumsy. Havelock was of course fantastically skilled, thumb and two fingers bringing me higher, higher, up to the point and then just revolving there, lazily. 

“Then I began to jerk and thrash my head, the waves coming not just once, but over and over again.” 

“Some lovers have teased me about how much I move when I'm in ecstasy, but I can't keep my head still. I shake back and forth with all the excitement, and then finally it is at an end. I'm drifting down from a cloud. Oh, mixed metaphor?—feeling the tide recede, perhaps? Does Vetinari come, too? If not, it's my turn to push him gently onto his back and slide my mouth down his pale chest, over the black hair streaking down his belly, licking, kissing, sliding with my tongue along his length, curling all around until I almost take him in my mouth. But then he finally leaves me, even as I would have him, leaves me biting my own knuckles as I feel him go.” 

“He's gone. The Patrician made love to me. Lord Vetinari made passionate love to me. But now—NO!”

“No, I realize, he didn't wait, but came this time, of course, out of control as I squeezed my hands around his firm butt. The Patrician does NOT have an ass. But he likes his butt stroked and kneaded with a hard, firm hand. With my knees locked around his thin body, my mouth open to his tongue, pulling him tight, tight, tight, our thighs hot and glistening—how could he resist me? The licking and sucking of his cock will wait for next time.

“For I know now that there will be a next time.”

(Loud applause, muffled as some of the audience seems to have one hand occupied.)

8888888888888

The chair of the Vetinari fan club makes her way slowly over to the speaker—walking with an unusual gait, possibly designed to disguise wet panties.

“Thank you, dear Mary Sue. That was a wonderful talk. Maybe we could get someone to podfic it”— 

“—If I get a piece of it.”

“No, well, technically we own the speeches.”

“No, you don't. And I've got the only copy here, and an imp with flint and steel.”  
Mary Sue laughs. “And you know you want it again—all of it, unless you want the women to set fire to their seats and lurch unsatisfied into Ankh-Morpork like sex-crazed zombies.”

“You little slut! I mean, excuse me, did you have a title for your lecture?”

“Yes. It's 'The Zipless Fuck.' I borrowed it from a roundworld author." 

“Catchy phrase—a little coarse for Ankh-Morpork, don't you think?”

“I don't insist on it.”

**Author's Note:**

> "The Zipless Fuck" is a phrase coined by Erica Jong in her work "Fear of Flying." It refers to a sexual experience where clothes fly off as if by magic, and there are no complications or consequences.


End file.
